- Joined
- May 18, 2009
- Location
- st augustine,florida
>HOW TO POOP AT WORK
>
>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
>in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
>as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
>For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
>taking a dump at work.
>
>
>
>CROP DUSTING
>
>When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
>in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
>came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
>has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
>your pants.
>
>
>
>FLY BY
>
>The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
>other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
>again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>
>
>ESCAPEE
>
>A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
>it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
>pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>
>JAILBREAK
>
>When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
>is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>
>COURTESY FLUSH
>
>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
>reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
>This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME
>
>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
>stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
>that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
>COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
>
>A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
>see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
>magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
>The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
>
>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
>off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
>of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>
>SAFE HAVENS
>
>A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
>expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
>This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR
>
>Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
>force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
>moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
>remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
>avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH
>
>A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
>are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
>potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
>ASTAIRE.
>
>
>
>ASTAIRE
>
>A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
>are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
>pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>
>WATERMELON
>
>A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
>also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
>create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>
>HAVANAOMELET
>
>A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
>water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
>Astaire.
>
>
>
>UNCLE TED
>
>A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
>lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
>Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
>always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
>well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
>in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
>as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
>For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
>taking a dump at work.
>
>
>
>CROP DUSTING
>
>When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
>in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
>came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
>has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
>your pants.
>
>
>
>FLY BY
>
>The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
>other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
>again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>
>
>ESCAPEE
>
>A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
>it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
>pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>
>JAILBREAK
>
>When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
>is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>
>COURTESY FLUSH
>
>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
>reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
>This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME
>
>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
>stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
>that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
>COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
>
>A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
>see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
>magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
>The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
>
>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
>off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
>of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>
>SAFE HAVENS
>
>A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
>expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
>This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR
>
>Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
>force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
>moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
>remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
>avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH
>
>A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
>are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
>potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
>ASTAIRE.
>
>
>
>ASTAIRE
>
>A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
>are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
>pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>
>WATERMELON
>
>A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
>also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
>create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>
>HAVANAOMELET
>
>A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
>water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
>Astaire.
>
>
>
>UNCLE TED
>
>A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
>lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
>Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
>always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
>well as the other bathroom attendees.